Acum 3 ani
Welcome to Bitchland
Bitches, it's summă holădai.
Vara asta sunt motivată să fac ceva. Acum vreo lună, eu şi gemenele, în principal Mara am decis să scriem un fel de carte-broşură pe timpul verii. Vorbeam noi ce vorbeam, şi ne aude diriga. Care ne susţine. Şi ieri, la premiere, când am urcat pe podium să-mi iau menţiunea (9,77... nu-i chiar aşa de rău, nu? Adică dacă nu aveam media 7 la fizică pe semestrul 1, probabil luam şi eu premiul 2 pe acolo), diriga mă felicită şi-mi spune "Vezi să scrii cartea aia, Deea". Nu ştiu dacă i-a spus aşa Marei sau Mirunei, dar eu mă apuc de scris. Tocmai de aia, azi dimineaţă m-am trezit cu o idee genială şi am rugat-o pe mama să-mi ia de ziua mea (July 4th... feriv-ar Maica Tereza să uitaţi) o tabletă cu ecran mare, să pot scrie, dar şi citi. Nu-mi trebe performanţă, doar un ecran mare.
Scăpate de stresul tezelor, testelor şi mediilor, unghiuţele mele şi-au luat avânt. Acum tăstuiesc fericite, îmbrăcate frumuşel în gri metalic. Aww, ce drăguţe sunt. Cred că nu am mai avut unghii aşa de lungi niciodată.
De două zile mă uit la Personal Taste, o comedie (mai degrabă sit-com) coreeană simpatică. Mă uit la ea pentru că îl are în rolul principal pe tipul care a avut rolul principal în Boys Over Flowers. Simpatic individ.
Şi pentru că am spus că comentez "The Perks Of Being A Wallflower", here we go.
Cartea este formată din mai multe scrisori trimise de către personajul principal, Charlie, unui prieten anonim.
Charlie e un tip introvertit care gândeşte prea mult, plânge foarte des şi se comportă neutru. Prietenul său, Michael, s-a sinucis, mătuşa sa favorită, Helen, a murit când el avea şapte ani, fratele său e la facultate şi-l vede foarte rar, iar surorii sale îi este ruşine cu el. Are 15 ani şi intră în clasa a noua, la acelaşi liceu cu sora sa, care e în ultimul an. Pentru un timp, singurul său prieten este Bill, profesorul său de engleză, care îi dă să citească cărţi şi-l pune să scrie referate despre ele, extracurricular.. La un meci de fotbal, are norocul să îl cunoască pe Patrick, un senior gay şi pe sora lui vitregă din acelaşi an, Sam, pe care Charlie dezvoltă un crush instantaneu. Totuşi, Sam nu-i intoarce sentimentele, deşi ea şi Patrick îl ajută pe Charlie să-şi identifice sentimentele.
Cu timpul, Charlie este introdus în lumea drogurilor, a muzicii, înţelege "nevoile" vârstei şi trece prin experienţe tipice adolescenţei. La un moment dat, Patrick îi spune:
"You are a wallflower. You see things. You keep quiet about them. And you understand."
Într-adevăr, Charlie era special. Era deosebit de deştept. Chiar Bill îi spune asta, plus faptul că el vede relaţia dintre ei la un nivel înalt, ca de la adult la adult. Charlie a fost martor a multor fapte care i-au marcat copilăria şi adolescenţa. La paisprezece ani, a fost martorul unui viol. Şi-a văzut sora pălmuită de iubitul ei. Şi la finalul cărţii, îşi dă seama, în cadrul unei căderi mintale că mătuşa Helen, "persoana sa favorită din întreaga lume" îl molestase. Odată cu realizarea, este afectat atât de tare, încât trebuie să fie instalat într-un ospiciu pentru două luni. Şi precizează clar cum l-au găsit ai săi: se uita la televizorul nepornit, dezbrăcat, pe canapea. Şi precizează şi cum a fost găsit după ce luase LCD: după ce curăţase aleea de zăpadă la 3 noaptea, făcea îngeri de zăpadă pe drumul proaspăt curăţăt. De asemenea, se spune şi despre dependenţa sa de ţigări. Iar lucrul cel mai incitant erau toate comparaţiile pe care le făcea Charlie, toate observaţiile. Motivul căderii sale mintale probabil a fost excesul de cunoştinţe pe care le deţinea.
Eu sinceră să fiu, mă găsesc în Charlie, mai mult sau mai puţin. E ca şi cum eu îl înţeleg şi el mă înţelege pe mine. Toate greşelile făcute de el, senzaţiile pe care le trăia, simţeam că, la un moment dat, le trăisem şi eu. Sau dacă nu le trăisem, le experimentam odată cu Charlie. Durerea simţită la o iubire adolescentină neîntoarsă şi dorinţa de a schimba lumea, optimismul ciudat şi gândurile când depresive, când sarcastice sau colorate, senzaţia de infinitate şi tot felul de sentimente tipice. Nu ştiu. Într-un fel anume, modul meu de viaţă e total opus modului de viaţă al lui Charlie, dar mă regăsesc în el. Nu aş avea curajul să iau droguri sau să fumez, dar simt că am făcut-o deja prin intermediul cărţii. Cred că personalitatea lui Charlie şi amprenta sa psihologică se regăseşte în mine.
Încep să cred că am o afinitate specială cu cărţile şi muzica crăftuite înainte de 2000. Cartea asta e din '99, dar acţiunea se petrece în '92. Cărţile scrise în anii '90 au nuanţă specială care mă atrage.
Ca să înţelegeţi mai bine tipologia cărţii, las aici citatele mele favorite:
- I just need to know that someone out there listens and understands and doesn't try to sleep with people even if they could have. I need to know that these people exist.
- So, this is my life. And I want you to know that I am both happy and sad and I'm still trying to figure out how that could be.
- I look at people holding hands in the hallways, and I try to think about how it all works. At the school dances, I sit in the background, and I tap my toe, and I wonder how many couples will dance to 'their song.' In the hallways, I see the girls wearing the guys’ jackets, and I think about the idea of property. And I wonder if anyone is really happy. I hope they are. I really hope they are.
- "Do you always think this much, Charlie?"
"Is that bad?" I just wanted someone to tell me the truth.
"Not necessarily. It's just that sometimes people use thought to not participate in life."
"Is that bad?"
"Yes." - “Charlie, we accept the love we think we deserve.”
- "I hate you."
My sister said it different than she did to my dad. She meant it with me. She really did.
"I love you," was all I could say in return.
"You're a freak, you know that? You’ve always been a freak. Everyone says so. They always have."
"I'm trying not to be." - Then, I turned around and walked to my room and closed my door and put my head under my pillow and let the quiet put things where they are supposed to be.
- When the police came, they found my brother asleep on the roof. Nobody knows how he got there.
- “I feel infinite.”
- And in that moment, I swear we were infinite.
- I have decided that maybe I want to write when I grow up. I just don't know what I would write.
- This moment will just be another story someday.
- I am very interested and fascinated by how everyone loves each other, but no one really likes each other.
- I really think that everyone should have watercolors, magnetic poetry, and a harmonica.
- Sam and Patrick looked at me. And I looked at them. And I think they knew. Not anything specific really. They just knew. And I think that's all you can ever ask from a friend.
- I think it was the first time in my life I ever felt like I looked "good". Do you know what I mean? That nice feeling when you look in the mirror, and your hair's right for the first time in your life? I don't think we should base so much on weight, muscles, and a good hair day, but when it happens, it's nice. It really is.
- And Sam looked at the paper and then she looked at me.
"Charlie. . . Have you ever kissed a girl?"
I shook my head no. It was so quiet.
"Not even when you were little?"
I shook my head no again. And she looked very sad.
She told me about the first time she was kissed. She told me that it was with one of her dad's friends. She was seven. And she told nobody except Mary Elizabeth and then Patrick a year ago. And she started to cry. And she said something that I won't forget. Ever.
"I know that you know that I like Craig. And I know that I told you not to think of me that way. And I know that we can't be together like that. But I want to forget all those things for a minute. Okay?"
"Okay"
"I want to make sure that the first person you kiss loves you. Okay?"
"Okay" She was crying harder now. And I was, too, because when I hear something like that I just can't help it.
"I just want to make sure of that. Okay?"
"Okay"
And she kissed me. And it was the kind of kiss that I could never tell my friends about out loud. It was the kind of kiss that made me know that I was never so happy in my whole life. - I walked over to the hill where we used to go and sled. There were a lot of little kids there. I watched them flying. Doing jumps and having races. And I thought that all those little kids are going to grow up someday. And all of those little kids are going to do the things that we do. And they will all kiss someone someday. But for now, sledding is enough. I think it would be great if sledding were always enough, but it isn't.
- It's kind of like when you look at yourself in the mirror and you say your name. And it gets to a point where none of it seems real. Well, sometimes, I can do that, but I don't need an hour in front of a mirror. It just happens very fast, and things start to slip away. And I just open my eyes, and I see nothing. And then I start to breathe really hard trying to see something, but I can't. It doesn't happen all the time, but when it does, it scares me.
- Little kids talk about the strangest things. They really do.
- Everyone else is either asleep or having sex. I've been watching cable television and eating jello.
- Sometimes, I look outside, and I think that a lot of other people have seen this snow before. Just like I think that a lot of other people have read those books before. And listened to those songs. I wonder how they feel tonight.
And all the books you’ve read have been read by other people. And all the songs you’ve loved have been heard by other people. And that girl that’s pretty to you is pretty to other people. And you know that if you looked at these facts when you were happy, you would feel great because you are describing “unity”.
It’s like when you are excited about a girl and you see a couple holding hands, and you feel so happy for them. And other times you see the same couple, and they make you so mad. And all you want is to always feel happy for them because you know that if you do, then it means you’re happy, too.
I just remember what made me think of all this. I’m going to write it down because maybe if I do I won’t have to think about it. And I won’t get upset. But the thing is that I can hear Sam and Craig having sex, and for the first time in my life, I understand the end of that poem.
And I never wanted to. You have to believe me. - And my mind played hopscotch.
My brother... football... Brad... Dave and his girlfriend in my room... the coats... the cold... the winter... "Autumn Leaves"... don't tell anyone... you pervert... Sam and Craig... Sam... Christmas... typewriter... gift... Aunt Helen... and the trees kept moving... they just wouldn't stop moving... so I laid down and made a snow angel.
The policemen found me pale blue and asleep. - "It's too bad you're not gay.”
That made me stop crying a little bit.
“ Then again, if you were gay, I would never date you. You're a mess."
That made me start laughing a little bit.
…
"You know, Patrick? If I were gay, I'd want to date you."
"Of course." - I just wish that God or my parents or Sam or my sister or someone would just tell me what's wrong with me. Just tell me how to be different in a way that makes sense. To make this all go away. And disappear. I know that's wrong because it's my responsibility, and I know that things get worse before they get better because that's what my psychiatrist says, but this is a worse that feels too big.
- I remembered this one time that I never told anyone about. The time we were walking. Just the three of us. And I was in the middle. I don’t remember where and I don't remember when. I don't even remember the season. I just remember walking between them and feeling for the first time that I belonged somewhere.
- “It's great that you can listen and be a shoulder to someone, but what about when someone doesn't need a shoulder? What if they need the arms or something like that? You can't just sit there and put everybody's lives ahead of yours and think that counts as love. You just can't. You have to do things.”
Of, doamne, şi am încercat să fac o selecţie. Dar toate sunt bune şi exprimă fix aceleaşi lucruri pe care le gândesc şi eu uneori.
Abia aştept filmul, care se va lansa pe 14 septembrie 2012. Acuşica. Trailer:
That's for today. Mai postez ceva, în curând, dar nu ştiu ce încă. Cya.
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Da' ăsta chiar e un post luuuuuuung.
RăspundețiȘtergereM'a amuzat teribil titlul mai ales:))
Btw, am auzit şi eu despre cartea aia broşură ceo fi, interesantă idee.
Eu până la urmă tot vreau să văd ce planuri de vară ai, poate scrii şi despre asta.
Ps: Am găsit pe amazon.co.uk nişte chestii foarte drăguțe cu 1D, şi dacă cauți 'vintage jewellery' o să mori acolo. Pe bune. Și la ce prețuri au, iţi vine să stai cu orele să te holbezi.
Buh bay.
9,77 menţiune?! Dăfac, eu am avut 9,80 și am luat premiul II :| Trebuie să ai numa' genii pe-acolo :-s Soarta, frate :)) Unii sunt imposibili!
RăspundețiȘtergereȘtiu că n-am prea comentat pe-aici - asta de lene, nu de alta - dar îmi place blogul tău :3 E boss șmecheros mafiot.
Ha' te pupă Jean :* =))
@LadyBug
RăspundețiȘtergereMersi.
Umm, planurile mele sunt limitate. Probabil mi-ar lua mai puţin de un rând să le expandez aici. Ele sună cam aşa:
'Internet. Blog. Photography. Reading. Writing'
Nu mă uit pe amazon că mor îndată ce deschid şi după aia tre' să stau după maică-mea să o conving să mă lase se comand.
@Mazăre
Da... 5 medii de 10, mă crezi sau nu.
Am înflorit când am citit părerea ta despre blog. Mersi!
Si eu am citit recent The perks of being a wallflower si mi-a placut foarte mult. Foarte frumoase citatele alese! De abia astept sa apara filmul. :D
RăspundețiȘtergere